Last (cosmetic) change: March 18, 1996.

CFS Dreams


11 Oct 1995: Cognitive Problems Exposed
15 Oct 1995: Hermaphrodite and Woman
18 Oct 1995: Cracking the Ice
22 Oct 1995: Devil Abuses Women
24 Oct 1995: Violence Reaches New Levels
25 Oct 1995: Peace Keeping Succeeds
26 Oct 1995: Drugs, Poison and Food / Diplomatic Worries
28 Oct 1995: Dead Boy in the Pool
30 Oct 1995: New Friends Wanted
31 Oct 1995: Tame Leopard
1 Nov 1995: They Trouble Me...


First of all, people who followed the link to this page will probably not always know about the disease called CFS. You might be interested in the CFS section then.

I've been interested in dreams for years. During the toughest part of the disease I stopped dreaming and I'm only able to take a serious look into my dreams since october 1995. It's the one and only hobby I can afford. Except for publishing those dreams on the web perhaps.

My dreams are greatly influenced by the disease. Surprising is the huge amount of violence. In the dreams to me I'm like I've always been. All the others in my dreams have gone berserk. They attack and fight not only me but foremost each other. And those not familiar with dreaming: being attacked in dreams can hurt badly too!

Dreams are loaded with layers of symbolism. Dreams don't see the disease as something separated from the usual experiences, fantasies, worries and other qualities. Dreams melt everything together. Many of the dreams on this page show a straightforward relation to the disease. They explain, give advise, answer questions. A dream like Cracking the Ice even seems to report progress.

11 October 1995: Cognitive Problems Exposed

I'm back at my first year of high school. There's some time left before the class starts.I try in vain to learn the vocabulary lessons, but I fail completely. I read the words, but they don't register. I forget them as soon as I've read them. I get anxious. This French teacher will not accept any eyewash. I will have to tell her that I'm sick.

Comments: CFS patients will recognize the symptoms. This dream reflects the cognitive problems due to the disease. I've been having these school dreams for months now, showing that my learning disabilities have gone completely. This dream differs from all the others in that I have to face a teacher who will cut through all the baloney I might try to use in order to hide my disease. I always believed that I would recover fast. This dream shows the resulting tension of denying the chronic character of the disease.

This dream calls for action. I somehow have to face my disease. It's gonna stay with me for a long time and I'd better adjust to it. It took me several days to sort out the feelings the dream brought out. The complete analysis is just a bit too long for this page. But one of the solutions I came up with consisted of trying to get smarter and finding other ways for reaching what I want. And I asked my dreams to give further directions. Add your own comments while mentioning this dream's title.

15 October 1995: Hermaphrodite and Woman

A hermaphrodite and a woman are making love in a public place. They are standing completely naked. The presence of the hermaphrodite arouses me and I find their act provoking. It's a tasteful presentation of sensuality, something between a political statement and an art performance. It's the political aspect I find provoking.

Comments: This is the answer to my question for further directions.Go figure. It must be an important dream because it's followed by Cracking the Ice. To me the dream has many associations, but not really one that summarizes it all. I don't want to bore you with pages of not so convincing annotations. If you have any thoughts or associations about this dream, I would like to hear them. You might keep in mind however that because CFS blows away all possible distractions, it is in some sense a very sensual disease. I'm aware of my body 100% of the time. I feel all the tiny and not so tiny pains, the changes of body temperature, the stresses in my muscles, the raging of stress hormones, the tinkling in my nerves, changes in the blood circulation, ebb and flood of energy and the relaxation and the sheering of my body when I lay down again. Add your own comments while mentioning this dream's title.

18 October 1995: Cracking the Ice

One of my dream friends and I start cracking the ice on a large pond. A little dangerous and big fun. My dream friend, who is one of the more adventurous, rides a horse and in this way makes the first cracks. Then I run over them and make smaller cracks. My friend leaves the ice. I keep going on until all the ice is cracked and it has become impossible to jump from one floe to another. I feel good.
In the middle of the pond there's a small island. Before cracking the ice, we left somebody out there. Wonder what has become of him.

Comments: To me, ice is symbolic for frozen emotions. I even know this more or less when I dream. So this dream must have done something good. It also shows that I can rely on help if I need it. All together the dream signifies a new beginning, a cracking of the ice. I only hope the guy on the island could swim ashore. Add your own comments while mentioning this dream's title.

22 October 1995: Devil Abuses Women

A rather evil looking and powerful man has women delivered to him. He even seems to have little horns. He tortures these women in specific places, only the breasts and the groin.

Comments: Where is this coming from? This is an embarrassing dream, although perfectly in line with the huge amounts of violence in my dreams since I became ill. But I definitely need to draw the line here. This man has to stop. Add your own comments while mentioning this dream's title.

24 October 1995: Violence Reaches New Levels

Everywhere I come my dream friends are fighting each other. It's not only explicit fighting, there's a lot of plotting against each other and the situation seems to worsen rapidly.

Comments: This is bad. The good guys are fighting the good guys. It looks like a civil war and this dream clearly indicates that much of my energy is going through the drain without any good reason. It's the large scale of this widespread violence that makes me frightened when I wake up. I decide to become a very rigorous peace-keeper. Add your own comments while mentioning this dream's title.

25 October 1995: Peace Keeping Succeeds

Comments: I don't give any dream in particular because I had many peaceful dreams this night and morning. Probably due to my peace keeping actions. Though, I might have overdone it a little. I found myself running around with a laser gun in my hand. Some of the more innocent dream people looked rather surprised. But it stopped the 'civil war' and that's what I wanted. I also seemed to be on speaking terms again with one of my most significant dream friends. Another good sign.

What surprised me was the time I woke up: past 1 PM! This wasn't that strange a few months ago, but it is now. And another thing doesn't seem to make sense. I had many sweet dreams but woke up with hurting stomach and shoulders and itching ankles. That is, more than usual. Add your own comments while mentioning this dream's title.

26 October 1995: Drugs, Poison and Food / Diplomatic Worries

I get an album of Herman Brood. It's 'Sphritsz', one of his earlier albums. I turn around and notice that I'm in a large room, slightly larger than a big classroom. There are people sitting all over the room. In the opposite corner I see Rudi Carrell standing. I'm surprised. He sings a song in German. It's about eating and drinking and in the end about too much eating and drinking.

Comments: I got this dream in response to my question where my worsening stomach and shoulder pains and my itching ankles came from. The dream features two celebrities, namely Herman Brood and Rudi Carell.

Herman Brood is a Dutch rockstar and painter. He has been enormously popular in my teenage years. The one thing which makes him really stand out is his unbelievable use of drugs. He is a very heavy drinker, he uses heroine, speed, XTC, cocaine, you name it, in supplier quantities! Word is that some medical researchers are already fighting for the rights of his body. He should have been dead decades ago. The album I get in my dreams refers to this use of drugs (Spritzen means to inject in German). Having been a teenage idol Herman Brood has turned up in my dreams before.

So there you have the title theme 'Drugs, Poison and Food' of this dream, connecting drugs (poison) and food and too much food. Since this dream I started watching what I eat again. Perhaps I should even use a macro-biotic diet, which I don't find very attracting.

The dream also gives a hint for a second theme as captured by the subtitle 'Diplomatic Worries'. This is where the surprising appearance of Rudi Carrell comes in. He was a very famous tv showmaster at the time I was just getting out of my diapers. Not to say the most famous one in the Netherlands at the time. He didn't like it that much here and he moved to Germany. There he became a big star very soon also.
As you may know the relationship between the Netherlands and Germany is a hard one. Most people have never forgiven Rudi Carrell his betrayal. Rudi Carrell seems to be a rather outspoken guy, in some sense he means trouble. He did make the news in probably the whole of Europe a few years ago by jeopardizing the German-Arabic relationships. He had offended the Arabic culture in one of his shows and they took it very, very seriously.

I had several slightly different interpretations of the role of Rudi Carrell in this dream. A follow-up dream acknowledged my interpretation of unintegrated parts of my psyche fighting each other. Or more precise: one of the unintegrated parts makes it self painfully known. Add your own comments while mentioning this dream's title.

28 October 1995: Dead Boy in the Pool

I'm diving in the swimming pool. I get very deep fast. There's a dead boy at the bottom. His body is twisted in unnatural ways and it seems that he must have suffered from severe underfeeding. He looks like a younger me.
I try to get to the surface. It's a long way to go, but I notice I can breathe under water. Still, I want to go away from this boy as fast as possible.

Comments: A horror dream with strong emotional ties. I think it symbolizes psychological processes that I'm simply not able to understand right now. Just like the Hermaphrodite and Woman dream. Any comments are welcome. Add your own comments while mentioning this dream's title.

30 October 1995: New Friends Wanted

It's supposed to be a fun place, but I feel lonely. I have to share my room with a not so friendly woman, well educated but cold, almost hostile. I look around. There are festivities, but somehow I don't seem to fit in. They all are aloof. One of the guys preparing meat for the barbecue gets angry with me. I only walked by.

Comments: What do you want? I haven't met anyone new for over almost two years now. I haven't seen much of my old friends either due to this disease. But why are these people in my dreams so aloof, even hostile? They have more in common, they all seemed to be well educated though not really smart, pretentious, in good financial shape and a kind of elite. I think I've met the woman in a previous dream. Add your own comments while mentioning this dream's title.

31 October 1995: Tame Leopard

The dream has be going on for a while when suddenly I see a leopard hanging in a net. I get angry and go to the responsible man. I want him to take the leopard out. He in turn gets angry with me and draws a knife. We get in a serious fight. I can't beat him but don't loose either.
I walk away and get seated on the floor of the barn. A girl walks by. I've seen her before in many dreams. She seems friendly, but never talks and now she ignores me. I'm offended.
Outside the leopard is on the loose. I hesitate. But it's rather gentle and affectionate. I walk further. Suddenly a complete police force is in pursuit of me. I hide in a shack. I hear a voice warning other policemen that I'm armed with grenades. No I'm not! I'm innocent. What's going on?

Comments: Does a real leopard get caught in a net? I find it's just a little too tame. If the leopard is to symbolize my strength, then there's isn't much left. And what about the police, treating me as some kind of terrorist? This is serious stuff, not a seek and hide entertainment dream. Add your own comments while mentioning this dream's title.

1 November 1995: They Trouble Me...

I'm trying to get some rest, I'm tired. I'm in a dormitory. I hear some of the boys whispering. I notice that one of them is approaching my bed. They are up to something. I hear giggling. He grips my legs. I realize there's something strange with my legs. I'm laying at my right side and my left leg is somehow hanging in the air. They are making fun of me, but in a conspiring way.
I get angry, get up and summon the boys. I start preaching that I won't have that. I'm afraid it won't help much, most of them have slipped out. I wonder what has gone wrong that they all have turned against me. Or am I overreacting? Don't think so.

Comments: I decide to postpone any conclusions and to wait for some other dreams to get better insights in what's going on. I think it's time to evaluate the dreams of the past few weeks. Add your own comments while mentioning this dream's title.


It's 4 november when I write this. Most of the violence has gone. If anybody gets attacked, it's me. What is left are many dreams in which I feel abandoned and lonely. There are no people in my dreams I know. By now I only meet strangers.

If there's a new batch of dreams, I'll probably publish them too. If you have any comments, especially if your a patient yourself, please feel free to write.

You can email me with any remarks or questions:
Harry Bosma,

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